Worshipful Nonsense?

So, everyone has lost someone.  I lost someone.  The most important someone to my heart, like ever.  Ok, so there in lies my mistake: putting someone above the One.  I may or may not go into detail about that; but not now.  What I'm wanting to type about is the pain.  Or rather the worship.  Never, ever, have I been so low and broken, not only from losing this person; but by God showing me how everything I counted as 'me', as who I was, was worthless and did nothing but create a barrier between me and Him.  Here's how it went.

I'd just lost this person, right?  Love of my life.  The one, from where I was standing.  Person decided it wasn't what it had been cracked up to be.  So, first you start off numb.  I didn't care, I really didn't, about anything, anyone, other than myself.  I was so lost and stupidly soaking in my own pitiful state of being, that I didn't even see just how many people came to my side to help me through it.  Two days, just two days after this separation goes down, God moved.  In my selfish state of self-loathing and world-hating, God found me.  Again.  Without going into the bitter details, God found me in a person's most vulnerable state (the shower) and took my heart up in His hand.  At that very moment, all that numbness, all the lack of feeling vanished like it was never there and the pain came in like a rushing tide.  Or, at this point I thought it was pain.  Boy if only I knew.  What actually hit me was the sorrow, the realization of what I had done and what I had been doing.  Oh it hurt; but it wasn't true pain.  That came later.  What I was feeling was the sorrow for my sins.  God laid out everything, in exact detail, how I had separated myself from His people, and from Him.  I mean, God spoke.  Ladies and gentlemen, don't ever let anyone tell you that God no longer speaks or shows Himself.  His voice was so clear and alive, not only could I hear it; but I could feel it.  When someone reads a dialogue with music behind it, it's so much more meaningful, right?  God didn't need music though, His words were so deeply penetrating that my very soul could understand what He was communicating so well that it was received as raw emotion.  He said, "Zach, you have done this, this and this, and you have lived this way; which you know is not right.  You have done it and you know how much it hurts me, and yet you revel in it.  You love it, you think you are alive; but you are dead."  Then He said something key:

"Beside all this, I still love you."

He told me that no person, no substance, no lifestyle, no earthly thing, no relationship, no car or hobbie or TV show or sport will ever not let me down.  Everything of this world will fade.  Everything will let you down, will peace out, will rot and decay.  But His love is everlasting.  In all of my selfishness and all of my sense of hopelessness He was there.  He had been there the entire time, watching over me.  Loving me.  And when He decided to step in, it was big.  Through this process of realization, I ended up on the floor of the shower, face down, in my own vomit and tears, as broken and low as a guy can get.  God really slapped me in the face because all I could do was sit there and blame Him, blame myself, blame her, blame blame blame.  And when He spoke to me, I saw just how rotten I was, and how that His love is everlasting and will never fade or falter.  Ever.  It didn't matter to Him that I had fallen into the trap of life.  It didn't matter that He didn't matter to me.  I was, I am His son, His child, His family.  So, face down, I did the only thing I could do.  I gave up.  More specifically, I gave up to Him.  I said, "Lord, you've broken my spirit and my heart has been crushed and torn and I have nothing, I am nothing at all without You.  So here am I, You got me.  Cause I ain't got nothin else left, nowhere else to turn besides you."

Since having made that decision, I cannot tell you how much my life has exploded into joy.  God has introduced me to Josh Wise, one of my best friends who will be helping me manage the establishment of a ministry called Drawn on campus at CNU in the fall.  God has connected me with brothers both at school and here in Richmond that, simply put, are men.  They are men like no others, because they are men of God.  God has shown me through them how to run after Him with reckless abandon.  God has really showed me what it means to pray without ceasing as Paul describes.  Not out of guilt or obligation; but because His love is disarming, overwhelming and all-powerful.  God has shown me how to speak with Him, how to pray with fervor and power.  To pray expectantly.  To really live my life in a Hedonistic Christianity.

But my real point in writing all this down is to get to the deep emotions, and what I choose to do with them.  The pain I felt later, in my room or with my friends or when driving, it crippled me.  I'm not talking about crying, or weeping or mourning.  I'm talking about your heart, the deepest reaches of your soul crying out in agony, because you are lost.  Because you are empty, without sustenance, alone.  And through that pain, the shirt soaking tears, being able to turn a smile and turn the pain into shear joy.  A joy like I've never known, because you know what?  As much pain as I feel for my loss, that pain that I've earned through my choices, the emptiness and loneliness, the bitterness and judgement I try to throw on others, all of that pain; it is nothing compared to the pain that God feels for me.  His pain, for me alone, is so much more than I can imagine.  And, conversely, the joy He feels every time I glorify Him is so great that I cannot hope to understand it.  And then, through my tears, my soundless screams, my release, I realize something.  I remember that understanding of God's unimaginable pain, and remember that He feels that for every. Single. One.

Now here is what I take from this.  I take the pain, and I relish it.  I enjoy it so much, in fact I look forward to it, simply because the deeper the hurt the greater the glory to God when I turn the suffering into praise.  To sit and cry a river in the name of God, to cry out without a sound to be heard and do so lifting up His Name, that is the most honest praise a person can give.  It doesn't get anymore real than that, any more alive and relevant than that kind of emotional suffering - that your physical body and the core of your soul feels.  This pain, it's not something that will just go away.  That kind of experience is something sticks with you for years, and it can shape you.  God has used it to shape me; but instead of being stuck in a rut for years, I now have this drive to push myself so much further.  Every night that I cry myself to sleep, every afternoon I stall out because of the memories, they are all for His glory.  And the best part is that it gets better.  It is going to take a long while; but I am healing.  And so God has taken every single aspect of this loss that would debilitate so many, and shown me how to deal; and how to worship.

Worship, for me, has evolved so wholly; it's an entire way of life.  That is how and why we were designed.  To worship.  We are always worshiping something, and the main thing that I have learned through all of this is that the only thing that is entirely worth one's worship is the very Creator of our world.  And He only deserves our very best.  My promise is that no matter how low the feeling, how painful the loss, or how meaningless you feel, you absolutely must turn that pain over to Christ, and turn the suffering into worship.  It might not immediately be easier, God uses the pain and the suffering to refine each of us; but His promise is that He will provide for us, not allow us to go through more than we can handle, and that He will always be there.  These promises are absolute, and without question.  Revel in them, because there are few sure things in this life.  Glorify God, through all your suffering, and may His blessings overflow your cup as He has filled mine.

Flickers of Light

Obedience is thicker than blood.

This phrase, this flicker of thought, these words. They hold so much meaning.  I read those words of Christ, and my gut wrenched.  'Ew, blood.'  Yeah ok; but what is He saying? I don't get it, so I'm going to take this statement apart.  Piece by piece.  So I read the paragraph.  The end of chapter 12 in the book of Matthew speaks of a moment, a snippet.

"While He was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers showed up.   They were outside trying to get a message to Him.  Someone told Jesus, 'Your mother and brothers are out here, wanting to speak to you.'  Jesus didn't respond directly; but said, 'Who do you think my mother and brothers are?'  He then stretched out His hand toward His disciples.  'Look closely.  These are my mother and brothers.  Obedience is thicker than blood.  The person who obeys my heavenly Father's will is my brother and sister and mother.'" - Matthew 12:46-50

Obviously, it's a big deal, if Christ is willing to 'generalize' and say that His family, His closest and direct blood, are the ones that obey His will and calling.  Where there is family, there is love.  The kind that, as the song says, makes 'my heart turn violently inside of my chest'.  I...we, love Him, because He first loved us, because we are His children.  His family.  We obey Him because we love Him, because He first loved us; which caused the initial love on our part.  And this obedience causes us to love Him more.

Wait, what?  We love Him more...because we serve His word in our ear?  Because we follow His example, we sacrifice, we humble ourselves...we make ourselves the lowliest?  And that causes us to love Him more.  What a paradox.  How does that work?  Again, I want to take this apart.
This system sounds broken, faulty, foolish; at least according to today's 'common sense'.  We're schooled from the moment we leave the womb, each and every one of us, to strive to become better in this world, to get all we can get, even if that means climbing over the lives of others to get higher.  But that's not the way John 3:30 says it works.  "We should become less and less, so that He might become greater and greater."  I don't know about you; but this cycle, it is so absolutely ridiculous by today's standards, it is so out-of-the-ordinary, that it can be nothing short of incredible.  So, if life is about self-gratification over self-sacrifice; then again I ask, how does this 'illogical' cycle work?  Because, simply, it puts us in a position to appreciate His love all that much more.  Because only then can we see just how much He loves us.  How jealous He is for me.  For each one of us.

Ok, so I got side tracked about His love.  Who wouldn't.  Back to the first flicker:  "Obedience is thicker than blood."
So what is this obedience?  In a spontaneous quiet time (the best kind), God shared how Ezekiel shows exactly what kind of obedience Christ demands.

"God's message came to me: 'Son of man, you're living with a bunch of rebellious people.  They have eyes but don't see a thing, they have ears but don't hear a thing.  They're rebels all.  So, son of man, pack up you're exile duffel bags.  Leave in broad daylight with everyone watching and go off as if into exile.  Maybe then they'll understand what's going on, rebels though they are.  You'll take up your baggage while they watch, a bundle of the bare necessities of someone going into exile, and toward evening leave, just like a person going off into exile"..."In full sight of the people, put the bundle on your shoulder and walk out into the night.  Cover your face so you won't have to look at what you'll never see again.  I'm using you as a sign for the family of Israel." - Ezekiel 12:1-6

Woah.  God called Ezekiel to just pack up and peace.  For real?  What if someone came up to me right now and said, 'Hey, yo, get up, get out of here.  Only take the basic stuff you need to survive and go out in front of all your friends, and leave forever. Why? Because God says so.'  I mean seriously?  I feel like I would probably laugh that guy off the street.

But that's just it.  God calls us to obey His word just like that.  *Snap*, obey.  Obedience because it is so worth it.  Because of love.  Love is here, love has been here, and love will never fail; because God is never ending.  So we love Him, obey Him, see more of His love, and our own love for Him expands.  Constantly.  This cycle doesn't stop.  God's love never really 'grows'; but we get to spend our lives growing in our relationship with Him.  Just as I think I've reached the limits of God's love, He's like 'buddy, you ain't even close.'  So, as I'm sitting here writing this at 3AM, my mind continues to try and wrap around how, the more I give up and give in to the will of Christ through sacrifice and selfless service, the more awesome Christ will become.  The more I will love Him.

This is gonna take awhile.

Fresh Starts...Not The Kind You Find At Food Lion.

So I've finally decided to give into my intellectual musings, my questions from God, my pent up emotive thoughts, and my desire to reflect. That's what this blog is, will be, and has never been before. As a young and aspiring artist, minister, and friend, I find myself constantly lying awake at night wondering, processing, thinking. Thoughts are a beautiful thing. Thinking goes far beyond the mind, it goes into the soul. Some may say, 'that's more than thinking', and they're probably right; but for now we'll just call it thinking.

The Lord has given me a most active, confused, dazzled, and restless spirit...and it's taken me nearly 19 years of my life to come to realize that. To think, my very own spirit, and I didn't really, truly know it until now.

What do I mean by this spirit? This spirit, this conscience, this greater self, this...child, that lies within me. Each and every one of us has this. Some of us, nay most of us, are simply just unaware of the fact that "it" is even there.

Because it's dead.

It has yet to come alive. I think that fully understanding what it means to be 'born again' as a new Follower of Christ starts with the realization of and awakening of our spirit. Because the relationship with this incredible, all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God; Jehovah God, put this spirit inside, made it the essence of your being, and your connection with Him.

Think of those Mac vs PC commercials.

Your spirit, once awakened, ends up looking like the PC. Bland. Unoriginal. Naive. Thinking more of itself than it really is. Lying to itself and others to try and make up for it's own iniquities. Woah. Big word there, iniquities. What does that mean? Well, Merriam-Webster defines it as gross injustice and a wicked act or thing. Yep, I'm serious, we're all trying to make up for our gross injustices and wicked things...those "things" being our incomplete and as yet purposeless existence. That's heavy. Well, then we meet this Savior. This God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit. The three parts of one. The Trinity. The Holy Spirit becomes a part of our very own spirit. Enter the Mac. This fly, hip, cool character that has it all together, is perfect, and can answer all the questions of the universe. That doesn't make Mr. PC very comfortable. He feels very out of place. He first tries to ignore the Mac. Then once Mac makes his presence known by placing a very heavy or convicting question in the air, Mr. PC just starts stumbling, psshing, and coming up with inadequate answers; or rather excuses. Mr. PC is uncomfortable, out of place, and down right irritated that someone would or could intrude on 'his' space so entirely.

I've spent the last 15 years of my life stumbling, psshing, and denying the fact that I am inadequate. Being bland, unoriginal, and having plenty of iniquities; the sad thing is that I, like so many others, didn't even realize it. I thought I was living life. Up until recently, I thought I was living the life.

I was wrong.

The only way to fulfill my inadequacies, to 'fill my cup', is through accepting and welcoming the presence of this superior being. This Holy Spirit.

As we come into this world our spirits die more and more each day as we learn more of this world and distance ourselves farther and farther from the Creator, the One who gave us life. Only through realizing how dead we are can we realize how alive Christ is. And that the life, love, joy and hope that comes from Christ is the most beautiful and the most complete form of life that we could ever imagine...and that we cannot have this life without Him. It is a daily challenge, for each and every one of us, to chase this life. But I promise you, nothing, nothing will ever satisfy your soul, your spirit, your true self; unless it is within and alongside the will of Christ.